Wednesday, February 27, 2008

What should I write about? I've been turning this question over in my head all day and still haven't made any decisions.

My dear friend Tina had a death in the family and that's been on my mind all day. During highschool her house was like my second home and her family is absolutely amazing. Her mom is hilarious and the kind of mom you aspire to be. Her dad also has a wicked sense of humor and could keep you rolling in the aisles with his observations. She's got three sisters and they're all beautiful people. My heart goes out to them and I just wish I had the words to offer comfort.

There's been a lot in the way of politics in the news, but I promised myself that I would never blog about it. Locally, there was a meeting in town to decide whether the populace at large would allow an interstate loop to be built. This has been voted down so many times, I'm surprised that they still try. Dixie and I had a very animated conversation about it which was brilliant because it made me feel like a functioning human being.

I don't know if it's this disease or the treatment or some combination of the two that robs a person of the ability to reason. I'll admit, I've made my share of questionable decisions since this all started and I chalk it up to the chemo. I've been lucky in that I've been surrounded by people who love me and are looking out for me. The first time I was able to string together a cohesive argument was a very big day for me. Of course, I still forget the names of common everyday things which sometimes makes conversations peculiar. I took me two days to remember the name for laxatives. No, I didn't need them, but it made telling a funny story rather sad and trying.

I've been thinking a great deal about Dixie's friend who has relapsed with CLL. When I was first in Houston getting treatment, she and Dixie came down for a visit and she was so careful to be sure that I was shielded from any exposure to germs that she might have been carrying. Now I bang my head against the wall in frustration because she's not taking the same care with herself. She's had fevers for two weeks and even when they reached 104 her doctor told her not to worry and that she didn't need to go to the emergency room. Friends persuaded her that she did need to visit the local hospital and when she did, they kept her for a week without being able to discover the cause for her fevers. She was discharged a few days ago and is still spiking temperatures.

She's never had a lumbar puncture and bone marrow biopsies have never been considered. Frightening. She knows relatively little about her disease and trusts that her doctor will be able to give her five more years. I want to stand outside her house and howl in frustration. I'm sure Dixie's at her wit's end. In this day and age there are so many different options and she's still young enough to take advantage of them. I just get so flaming angry that she might be killing herself with ignorance and wish that she'd have an epiphany about her disease and get better treatment. She's been complaining of breathlessness and a few other things that go hand in hand with leukemia, but she doesn't seem to be worried about it. We've all been brainstorming to try and find a way to bring her around and the best idea that I've come up with involves camouflage and duct tape. The second best idea involved laying a trail of candy to a better doctor or treatment facility. Someone will figure it out sooner or later.

I continue to have that phantom congested feeling that may all be part of my imagination. I still don't feel like I need to take my temperature, since I don't think paranoia will register. Truth be known, there is still a lingering tightness in my throat and my coughing has picked up a bit. Granted, the weather has changed yet again, so it could just be my allergies flaring up. I'm still taking a wait and see attitude. My local doctor is out of town, so I won't see him until the second week of March. This means that I'll go 3 weeks between visits. I was told to call his office if I started to feel weird, which was reassuring in a strange sort of way. My doctor's appointments in Houston have been set for the third week of March, and I'm hopeful that by then my FISH results will be in.

So let's all wait and see.


Susan Carrier said...

For someone who claims to have lost the ability to "reason," you sure write an interesting and entertaining blog!

Anonymous said...

hi ann i don't know if this will help. chris & i both have had a cough which "lived" in our throats for a few weeks or more. i was told it is something that is going around. i don't know if it was allergies but recently it has gone away. thank you for the nice things you said about me & my family - that's an example of why you were always so easy to love. love peg

Tina said...

annie, you are so sweet. thank you. can't wait to see you when you come up for a visit.